Even people you don’t know can sense when you’re physically or mentally not quite right – they don’t have to be medical experts, but will make judgments based on face value. So if you’re feeling sick and depleted from a chronic or life threatening condition; you tend to present yourself reflecting how you are feeling. And if that’s generally down and negative – then it’s reciprocated straight back at you.
Having survived a brain tumor and multiple surgeries – I’ve seen the best and absolute worst in people. But it was running a global media business prior to knowing the real reason for my health decline, that exposed me to some hard truths about human nature.
But first I have to make an important qualification – its not all bad! See there are remarkable people I refer to as ‘beacons of light’ who give you support, encouragement and hope without trying to leverage something out of you. They’re generally family members, close friends, the occasional work colleague, and sometimes a medical professional. They provide the motivation to keep going – despite those who want to exploit your sickness.
When I was youthful, the older generation would often refer to the importance of ‘character’, and I never understood what they were talking about – but I do now! See good character means you can count on a person to maintain trust, integrity, and dependability no matter the circumstance – good or bad. You can rely on them not to take advantage of a situation to someone else’s detriment, and demonstrate consistency of good judgement and behaviour. People of poor character will kick you when you’re down.
they would throw you over a cliff if it meant getting the smallest advantage
In the business environment relationships are based on superficial values and therefor you can expect a certain harshness in dealings, because it’s all about the bottom line. But in my time running a business, I motivated team members by offering incredible incentives – ranging from luxury watches, cars, airline tickets, and in many cases substantial cash bonus’s. Further, when ever an employee developed a serious medical condition, and was unable to work; I kept paying their salary even after all entitlements expired. I provided generous maternity and compassionate leave, and worked tirelessly to ensure people were rewarded every step of the way – and what do you think happened? There were a few people no matter how much you gave them, they always wanted more; and showed little gratitude for the benefits received, just a heightened sense of entitlement. Moreover they would throw you over a cliff, if it meant getting the smallest advantage – let’s just call it survivalism.
But after furnishing the careers of hundreds of people over a couple of decades – did any reach out in my darkest moments?
Zilch – zippo – zero! Well not quite true, their were a couple of ‘beacons’; but I forgive the rest anyway.
If and when you finally recover from a long term life threatening condition, your mindset changes from hoping you’ll live long enough to see Christmas – to focusing on the future. But the weirdest thing is you remember having a past, it’s like you’ve been asleep for years – where you left off remains clear as day.
My biggest disappointment, was coming to the realisation how I’d been betrayed by some people who closely watched my capabilities decline over time; then unashamedly ‘helped themselves’ when my guard was down. You don’t worry about such issues when you’re fighting for your life, until with the clarity of day – you are able to trace back details and events. I supposed they figured I was unlikely to get better – did they get away with it? Let’s see!
betrayal is one of those lowly human character flaws that is the most repugnant
Betrayal is one of those lowly human character flaw’s that is the most repugnant.
Similarly there was a person I paid a substantial amount of money for services over a number of years; until the project was finally completed. However the brain tumor which I had no awareness of, weakened my normally astute mental aptitude. Further, my encroaching symptoms were misdiagnosed as a mental heath disorder and was inappropriately medicated with a serotonin inhibitor; compromising my decision making capabilities even further. With this mind fog, I was somehow cajoled into extending this guy’s services… for an additional twelve months contract! When I eventually explained I had mistakenly renewed the deal because I was taking medication – he turned incredibly nasty and threatening, pointing out I’d signed the document. In good faith I honoured the undertaking, but the only services he provided was to diligently invoice me each month for nothing. This was a person whom I’d travelled the world together, shared thoughts and confided with – yet when it came to money… he decided it was more important than our relationship. Some people will say that’s just business, but the experience left me frustrated with myself for being so stupid.
So about four years elapsed, I was still recovering from brain surgery when I was told he reached an untimely death during a sporting incident.
I felt sorry for his family and the tragic circumstances in which he died, but I decided at the time not to attend his funeral. In hindsight it was the wrong decision, I should have honoured the contribution he previously made.
I never wished bad intent on this person despite my grievances, because I know karma can be unmerciless – I just hope it spares me for my ingratitude in this instance. See it’s one of those invisible laws of the universe you don’t have to believe in until it serves or strikes you… when you least expect it.
Others can demonstrate a changed attitude and behaviour towards you when you are chronically ill. See there was a time I was regularly admitted to an emergency department with an out of control heart arrhythmia. During one of these hospital stays I was wired up to heart monitors, with my blood pressure and vitals checked every fifteen minutes. A heart surgeon recommended I needed two ‘back to back’ heart ablation procedures to correct a complex arrhythmia. Without these operations I was at imminent risk of having a stroke or suffering a cardiac arrest. When, out of the blue I received an urgent and demanding text message from a former business associate, chasing some obscure paperwork. The monitors went off the scale and numerous alarms sounded… nurses scrambled in all directions!
This person knew I’d suffered a brain tumor and was aware of my pending heart surgery, yet was insistent I needed to urgently locate this missing document; despite my absence from the business scene for well over five years. My partner watching from the hospital bedside, stepped-in and appropriately shut the dialogue down. It’s an example how some people can be oblivious to the impact of their actions. Nonetheless, I forgive them – because the world doesn’t stop just because you’re sick.
And then there’s the eye rollers, people who are sick of you being sick, and attribute your medical condition to an ‘unhealthy mental state’. It’s a very unsympathetic stance and usually motivated by ignorance rather than malice. Its understandable because you become a burden, and people have to make concessions to accomodate you – you’re not like your easy going self they used to know. But its a change you can see in people, and it weighs heavily on your already fragile self-esteem.
nowadays you are only one web click away from knowing more than any doctor
Whereas a typical medical practitioner’s response when they are unable to diagnose the symptom’s you complain about – is to tell you to see a psychologist, because the problem is all in your head. Its not helpful and I’ve read many stories of others been given the same condescending advice only to be diagnosed with a serious condition down the track. Nowadays you are only one web click away from knowing more than any doctor; and some don’t like that – preferring to control your expectations.
On one occasion I printed a number of research documents to share with an endocrinologist I was seeing post brain surgery, only to be dismissively told “oh what are you reading now!” Ironically the research data demonstrated it was possible to wean off steroid replacement therapy for patients with a similar tumor profile to mine. I moved on from her and was eventually able to achieve the goal of coming off steroids… totally – despite her ill-founded advice.
Even my local GP found my constant medical conditions annoying to him. On one occasion I complained of severe abdominal pain, only to be told “look, you are obsessed with your body”. A few hours later I ended up in an emergency department in agonising pain, and was diagnosed with bowel appendagitis. After spending a week in hospital, the resident surgeon decided I would be fine to go home, and didn’t require surgical intervention. A week or two later the crippling pain came back with vengeance only to be adamantly told by the same fellow I still didn’t need any surgery.
He was incredibly arrogant and disrespectful, and didn’t like being challenged over his decision.
Eventually I found a more competent surgeon whom operated immediately, and found a nasty mess of bowel adhesions and appendages stuck to the abdominal wall. He also removed the original dead appendage tissue and repaired the site of an internal abdominal bleed.
The unfortunate truth is if I took the advice of some medical practitioners over the years I’d be well and truly dead.
But what ever you do, don’t take my approach as good advice – remember the shinning beacons – they also exist in the medical field, and will likely save your life.
My biggest take out from being unwell for a period of time, is not to hold a grudge against those who have mistreated you. Otherwise you could become bitter and withdrawn.
You need a certain gullibility to succeed in life, taking risks with people until they prove themselves otherwise is part of the human experience
The only exception is for those who have stolen or engaged in deceptive conduct – retribution should come in the form of legal or criminal repercussions. But what ever you do… don’t wish karma on anybody, because you’ll never know what you could be unleashing.
