Been forced to look death in the face?

Realised you were close to dying?

I have – more times than most should ever have to endure in a lifetime. 

But unlike many, I have been fortunate enough to bounce back and recover after a long periods of convalescing. During these times I’ve discovered something happens to your mind and sense of identity.

As a consequence of repeated hospital stays or lengthy home incapacitation – frequent flyer status, social standing, business achievements, assets, bank accounts, beliefs, and moral judgements; amount to nothing.

a curiosity to medical students

You become a mere statistical entry in a medical database, and in some cases a curiosity to medical students.

You are subjected to a continuous brainwashing, paraded in front of various doctors and support staff – constantly hearing your list of defects and health conditions relayed, repeated, and discussed by each successive nursing shift – and visiting specialists.

After time, this begins to define who you are; and replaces your long forgotten past.

All the important meetings, crisis discussions, strategic manoeuvres and undertakings made during my career, disappeared from my memory – as if it never happened.

And the reason?… I became so intensely focussed on surviving and improving my health outcome – every thing else didn’t matter; so my vivid past was packed away into my deep subconsciousness.

I had gone from being a high flying entrepreneur travelling the world, an innovator in the advertising industry, building the careers of hundreds of people, creating positive commercial outcomes for most of the worlds leading grocery companies; and reaching over 2 billion television viewers with my unique style of advertisements – to becoming a bare shell of my former self.

Don’t get me wrong, I felt extremely privileged to have defied the odds and the expectations of the medical industry and recover physiologically. Remarkably I had achieved a cure from a non cancerous but highly invasive craniopharyngioma brain tumor, and a related critical condition known as panhypopituitarism; caused by the crushing of my pituitary gland from the tumor’s uncontrolled growth.

Followed a few years later by life threatening complications arising from two separate ‘out of control’ heart arrhythmias; triggered by the side effects of toxic steroids I was required to take.

Finally on top of everything else I was struck with an excruciatingly painful case of bowel epiploic appendagitis, likely resulted from the massive abdominal haematoma an inexperienced nurse caused me; by incorrectly administering a blood thinning injection deep into the subcutaneous layers of my belly. 

Notwithstanding the four crippling back to back surgeries I suffered, and lengthy recoveries needed to rectify each of these life changing conditions.

The outcome of these experiences?… I was left with compromised mobility, had uncertain future prospects, and developed an obsession in human physiology.

Each morning if you are lucky enough to have slept, your first thoughts are weighed down by the burden you face – until you are able to rationalise the situation and try put a positive spin on it.

For a period spanning about four years – I was totally disabled.

At times I couldn’t walk a hundred metres, unable to care for my self or travel independently. My entire persona and sense of identity, built over five plus decades was gone. It seemed like the things that previously defined me, motivated me, set me apart from the pack were almost another person.

The amazing hard won achievements from my earlier life – now appeared incomprehensible.

reduced to being completely dependant on my partner

I was reduced to being completely dependant on my partner.

There were moments I wasn’t sure of ever getting better, but held firm to a belief of overcoming these temporary setbacks, and carried on regardless – everyday… bit by bit.

I was grateful to the former version of myself for working so hard, having the foresight in leaving a few bucks to fall back on in difficult times. So the relentless financial stress of providing for my family had been taken care of – at least for the time being. I certainly would not have survived the additional burden of having a job, or business to manage; when weighed down by serious health issues.

As my medical knowledge increased, it began to dawn on me my time poor diet and previously stressful lifestyle was an inevitable death sentence anyway. 

The truth being, like most of the population, I was almost certainly pre-diabetic, and showed signs of the numerous life shortening consequences linked to that condition.

The irony was the brain tumor that almost killed me, has probably saved me from prematurely dying from a heart attack or stroke down the track.

Via self education I began to unravel the facts from fiction in modern health advice, and realised I had been misguided for most of my life in adopting a low fat, high carb diet with lashings of poly-unsaturated margarine and vegetable oils. So I started to cut-out gluten, breads, pasta, sugar, and processed foods as best I could – and it helped immensely with my wellbeing, recovery and overall health.

For a number of years I would diligently exercise each day, progressively building up the duration and intensity. After awhile I found myself with regained muscular strength, stamina, and a fitness level not experienced since my youth… yet I could hardly put a sentence together.

I was forced to accept I was suffering from a little discussed issue after recovering from disability, and in particular from the rigours of brain surgery. I had to some degree diminished neuroplasticity, which subtly manifested itself in everyday basic functionality.

I was similar to someone afflicted with a low grade acquired brain injury, struggling occasionally with comprehension, concentration and memory.

Initially, I could not sit at the computer any more than ten minutes before being incapable of continuing – mentally exhausted. Performing even the most simple tasks, at times, was extremely difficult and taxing. I could only realistically achieve one problem solving challenge per day – and so projects took a long time to complete.

But I pushed forward, focusing on the short comings I was grappling with – head on. For instance I would try to learn new computer skills, but also attempted to relearn some of the programs previously mastered years before. I can tell you the mental strain was like standing in-front of a solid immovable brick wall. I could visualise the outcome I needed to achieve yet battled to transpose the action on the keyboard; it was very frustrating – but I stuck at it… everyday.

In private, I would verbally count down to myself difficult numerological sequences as a way to improve my linguistic and cognitive skills – “seventeen million one hundred and two thousand six hundred and twenty three, seventeen million one hundred and two thousand six hundred and twenty four”.

Slowly but surely, I was able to regain lost synaptic connectivity.

Then amazingly, I began gradually to re-discover my self; and became reacquainted with some of the crazy things I had achieved in my forgotten previous life.

I watched some archival home movie footage my father had made of the various boats I had owned and sold, the various houses lived in, and the business initiatives I was developing from twenty years ago.

Memories began to flood back with vivid intensity.

Then I had the courage to sort through some boxes of documents and files from my old business. It was like reliving the emotions of each key milestone again. The effort, sense of drive, positive spirit, and sheer audacity required to build a global media business was spelt out once more. 

But I also came across some of the struggles, disappointments and injustices I had experienced as well.

An outcome not anticipated, was being able to recall clearly the individuals whom had blatantly betrayed my trust through-out my life, and had taken advantage of the blind faith naively placed in them… just like it was yesterday! In hindsight, during a good portion of my adulthood, I was completely unaware of the slow growing tumor pressing on vital structures on the base of my brain – ultimately leaving me compromised and vulnerable to exploitation.

However tumor or not, everyone accumulates these kinds of experiences with certain people over time, it’s called wisdom; and it seems you can never completely erase the strong memories of being so gullible. 

It’s one of life’s contradictions – should you be in an accident, people who don’t know you from a ‘bar of soap’, will run in all directions to assist in any way they can. Yet some people who profess to be loyal to you, will stealthily set out to destroy you – driven by envy, rivalry and greed. 

Don’t get me wrong, I’ve come to accept that people with disingenuous behaviour traits are prevalent in all networks and groups, ever since hominoids evolved. It’s been an important component in the development of human culture.

See it keeps every one on their toes, ensuring complacency doesn’t set in, and inspires you to do better – and not make the same mistakes again.

It’s one of the reasons the entertainment industry flourishes.

Ever since Roman times, stories have been told how heroes and heroines have overcome adversity or have defeated a villain – its very entertaining to watch such dramas unfold and reach a satisfying conclusion.

Soap operas, mini series, movies – all offer an insight on how to deal with a difficult person or situation – but most importantly these stories always demonstrate how you must adapt to meet the changed circumstances.

Yet It seemed like I was now living in my own version of a ‘future switching’ Hollywood movie script. I had literally awoken my consciousness and sense of self, but I was quickly slapped in the face with future shock!

It was just like I had been asleep for four or five years and woken up in the future. Things, people, and places had changed and or moved on; whilst I was still languishing in the past.

I was quick to discover a number of companies had adopted my former advertising innovations, and one or two people were representing my unique business language and motivational speech as their very own.

I had sold my business just before my brain tumor diagnosis, but there were still many people making money and trading off my previous ideas and initiatives.

very few people are capable of genuinely original creativity

This issue became very motivating because I was reminded of my life-time observations in the advertising industry, that very few people are capable of genuinely original creativity, most merely follow trends and adapt other peoples work as their own – I was different – ideas have always been my currency.

In the early phases of my recovery, I figured on easily falling back into the same business model that served me well for over twenty odd years. 

But the reality was now substantially different.

Whereby previously I had identified a specific opportunity when first starting my business ‘way back’ in the early nineties. In particular, the advertising agency industry had become very complacent, lacked accountability, and charged ludicrous amounts for television commercial production; whilst the advertisements produced where hopelessly ineffective.

It was all about timing when I offered a cost effective alternative with a third party endorsement platform, that worked well for both consumers and advertisers – the likes of which, had never been seen on television before.

I was able to crack the tightly controlled ‘old world’ television media industry.

But it wasn’t that easy, for instance – the networks not only supplied the advertising space, but also become fervent competitors chasing the same advertiser dollars for their own initiatives. This was a conundrum because the fox was guarding the henhouse.

But in this ‘new world’ I was rediscovering, the digital technology companies had transformed the advertising industry with the greatest democratisation any sector had previously witnessed.

Barriers to entry had collapsed, technology placed media accessibility in the hands of anyone with a smart phone.

Advertising dollars rapidly shifted away from traditional media.

Fourteen year old kids were producing slick, high quality video content from their bedrooms – and making millions.

Narcissistic influencers literally controlled the futures of many organisations.

The internet had become flooded with self proclaimed life coaches and health gurus.

Moreover the digital technology companies had gained the capability to monitor everything about you.

Wow, things have changed for the better since I was gone?

Television viewership had almost evaporated, or at least largely shifted to subscription based streaming models. The hen house was now guarded by a couple of 600 pound gorillas – as the digital technology companies assumed control and dictated how things were going to be run.

High street retail groups began to implode under the weight of their increasingly outmoded bricks and mortar cost bases, whilst the more nimble online retail businesses boomed. At the same time just about everyone with a ‘side hustle’, joined the explosive and exponential growth of the digital online store phenomenon.  

But in the grocery category, the handful of retail groups dominating the landscape had emerged with sophisticated promotional and marketing power unmatched because of their ‘first party’ consumer data intelligence.

The dynamic was no longer a wide variety of brands competing against one-another on the supermarket shelf, but was now in some instances culled to just one remaining brand – pitched for survival against the incumbent home brand. 

Independent packaged goods television advertising had vanished, as brands risked being delisted if they did not embrace ‘key partnership ad-spend’ with the media omnipresent grocery retailers. The minuscule advertising budgets that still remained were being funnelled into the digital technology companies coffers, because of their ability to target advertising content precisely to the right audience – with a capability never seen before in history.

With the seismic shift to online spending occurring, a corresponding massive investment of distribution warehousing and fulfilment facilities right across the globe was driven the key players – a battle of the titans was occurring behind the visibility of consumers; in the crucial fight to control product delivery direct to households.

Meanwhile a cultural revolution was taking place around the world that sought to redefine many historical events in light of modern thinking; scrutinise classic literature for unacceptable language, stereotypical gender casting or racist inferences; and boycott any company that didn’t move quickly enough to realise their long held ‘brand name’ could cause offence to minorities. The stakes in the advertising industries had significantly increased; as any ‘tone deaf’ culture mistakes in media communications would see you definitely ‘cancelled’!

On top of this, the remaining traditional media establishment were upping their game and responding with new and invigorated competitiveness; leveraging their political allies for protection and redrawing the battle lines.

Notwithstanding the emergence of COVID, which rapidly shifted the concept of a physical workplace to becoming groups of connected individuals; trusted to work just as productively from home – as face to face meetings became a thing of the past.

So, did I really fit into this environment anymore? Was the same opportunity available to disrupt the advertising industry I previously enjoyed… still existing? Does a sixty something brain tumour survivor have the wit to outperform the new crop of digital/social literate content creators that are storming the advertising scene?

Despite spending near on two years watching YouTube videos every day, endlessly researching developments in social media advertising, up skilling my editing capabilities, building a number of websites and creating a suite of new creative concepts that would have been highly effective in my previous business or any well established media organisation – I never moved forward.

So what’s holding me back?

In spite of regaining my vitality, sense of identity and hunger to contribute to the media industry, and completely reversing the situation whereby the incapacitated version of me now seems like another person. I know this would be the wrong decision.

I’m in the third act of my own story, and its time for me to adapt to the changed circumstances, and apply my unique skill-set where it is more relevant – I need to match my ideas with a timely opportunity.

And what is that business model?

Well you’ll have to wait and see.

Have you ever felt your life slip away from you?

Been forced to look death in the face?

I have, and I’m thankful for the experience.

Because it has given me clarity of the future.

And ultimately saved me from my past.

Having survived a brain tumor and multiple surgeries – I’ve seen the best and absolute worst in people. But it was running a global media business prior to knowing the real reason for my health decline, that exposed me to some hard truths about human nature.

But first I have to make an important qualification – its not all bad! See there are remarkable people I refer to as ‘beacons of light’ who give you support, encouragement and hope without trying to leverage something out of you. They’re generally family members, close friends, the occasional work colleague, and sometimes a medical professional. They provide the motivation to keep going – despite those who want to exploit your sickness.

When I was youthful, the older generation would often refer to the importance of ‘character’, and I never understood what they were talking about – but I do now! See good character means you can count on a person to maintain trust, integrity, and dependability no matter the circumstance – good or bad. You can rely on them not to take advantage of a situation to someone else’s detriment, and demonstrate consistency of good judgement and behaviour. People of poor character will kick you when you’re down.

they would throw you over a cliff if it meant getting the smallest advantage

In the business environment relationships are based on superficial values and therefor you can expect a certain harshness in dealings, because it’s all about the bottom line. But in my time running a business, I motivated team members by offering incredible incentives – ranging from luxury watches, cars, airline tickets, and in many cases substantial cash bonus’s. Further, when ever an employee developed a serious medical condition, and was unable to work; I kept paying their salary even after all entitlements expired. I provided generous maternity and compassionate leave, and worked tirelessly to ensure people were rewarded every step of the way – and what do you think happened? There were a few people no matter how much you gave them, they always wanted more; and showed little gratitude for the benefits received, just a heightened sense of entitlement. Moreover they would throw you over a cliff, if it meant getting the smallest advantage – let’s just call it survivalism.

But after furnishing the careers of hundreds of people over a couple of decades – did any reach out in my darkest moments?

Zilch – zippo – zero! Well not quite true, their were a couple of ‘beacons’; but I forgive the rest anyway.

If and when you finally recover from a long term life threatening condition, your mindset changes from hoping you’ll live long enough to see Christmas – to focusing on the future. But the weirdest thing is you remember having a past, it’s like you’ve been asleep for years – where you left off remains clear as day.

My biggest disappointment, was coming to the realisation how I’d been betrayed by some people who closely watched my capabilities decline over time; then unashamedly ‘helped themselves’ when my guard was down. You don’t worry about such issues when you’re fighting for your life, until with the clarity of day – you are able to trace back details and events. I supposed they figured I was unlikely to get better – did they get away with it? Let’s see!

betrayal is one of those lowly human character flaws that is the most repugnant

Betrayal is one of those lowly human character flaw’s that is the most repugnant.

Similarly there was a person I paid a substantial amount of money for services over a number of years; until the project was finally completed. However the brain tumor which I had no awareness of, weakened my normally astute mental aptitude. Further, my encroaching symptoms were misdiagnosed as a mental heath disorder and was inappropriately medicated with a serotonin inhibitor; compromising my decision making capabilities even further. With this mind fog, I was somehow cajoled into extending this guy’s services… for an additional twelve months contract! When I eventually explained I had mistakenly renewed the deal because I was taking medication – he turned incredibly nasty and threatening, pointing out I’d signed the document. In good faith I honoured the undertaking, but the only services he provided was to diligently invoice me each month for nothing. This was a person whom I’d travelled the world together, shared thoughts and confided with – yet when it came to money… he decided it was more important than our relationship. Some people will say that’s just business, but the experience left me frustrated with myself for being so stupid.

So about four years elapsed, I was still recovering from brain surgery when I was told he reached an untimely death during a sporting incident.

I felt sorry for his family and the tragic circumstances in which he died, but I decided at the time not to attend his funeral. In hindsight it was the wrong decision, I should have honoured the contribution he previously made.

I never wished bad intent on this person despite my grievances, because I know karma can be unmerciless – I just hope it spares me for my ingratitude in this instance. See it’s one of those invisible laws of the universe you don’t have to believe in until it serves or strikes you… when you least expect it.

Others can demonstrate a changed attitude and behaviour towards you when you are chronically ill. See there was a time I was regularly admitted to an emergency department with an out of control heart arrhythmia. During one of these hospital stays I was wired up to heart monitors, with my blood pressure and vitals checked every fifteen minutes. A heart surgeon recommended I needed two ‘back to back’ heart ablation procedures to correct a complex arrhythmia. Without these operations I was at imminent risk of having a stroke or suffering a cardiac arrest. When, out of the blue I received an urgent and demanding text message from a former business associate, chasing some obscure paperwork. The monitors went off the scale and numerous alarms sounded… nurses scrambled in all directions!

This person knew I’d suffered a brain tumor and was aware of my pending heart surgery, yet was insistent I needed to urgently locate this missing document; despite my absence from the business scene for well over five years. My partner watching from the hospital bedside, stepped-in and appropriately shut the dialogue down. It’s an example how some people can be oblivious to the impact of their actions. Nonetheless, I forgive them – because the world doesn’t stop just because you’re sick.

And then there’s the eye rollers, people who are sick of you being sick, and attribute your medical condition to an ‘unhealthy mental state’. It’s a very unsympathetic stance and usually motivated by ignorance rather than malice. Its understandable because you become a burden, and people have to make concessions to accomodate you – you’re not like your easy going self they used to know. But its a change you can see in people, and it weighs heavily on your already fragile self-esteem.

nowadays you are only one web click away from knowing more than any doctor

Whereas a typical medical practitioner’s response when they are unable to diagnose the symptom’s you complain about – is to tell you to see a psychologist, because the problem is all in your head. Its not helpful and I’ve read many stories of others been given the same condescending advice only to be diagnosed with a serious condition down the track. Nowadays you are only one web click away from knowing more than any doctor; and some don’t like that – preferring to control your expectations.

On one occasion I printed a number of research documents to share with an endocrinologist I was seeing post brain surgery, only to be dismissively told “oh what are you reading now!” Ironically the research data demonstrated it was possible to wean off steroid replacement therapy for patients with a similar tumor profile to mine. I moved on from her and was eventually able to achieve the goal of coming off steroids… totally – despite her ill-founded advice.

Even my local GP found my constant medical conditions annoying to him. On one occasion I complained of severe abdominal pain, only to be told “look, you are obsessed with your body”. A few hours later I ended up in an emergency department in agonising pain, and was diagnosed with bowel appendagitis. After spending a week in hospital, the resident surgeon decided I would be fine to go home, and didn’t require surgical intervention. A week or two later the crippling pain came back with vengeance only to be adamantly told by the same fellow I still didn’t need any surgery.

He was incredibly arrogant and disrespectful, and didn’t like being challenged over his decision.

Eventually I found a more competent surgeon whom operated immediately, and found a nasty mess of bowel adhesions and appendages stuck to the abdominal wall. He also removed the original dead appendage tissue and repaired the site of an internal abdominal bleed.

The unfortunate truth is if I took the advice of some medical practitioners over the years I’d be well and truly dead. 

But what ever you do, don’t take my approach as good advice – remember the shinning beacons – they also exist in the medical field, and will likely save your life.

My biggest take out from being unwell for a period of time, is not to hold a grudge against those who have mistreated you. Otherwise you could become bitter and withdrawn.

You need a certain gullibility to succeed in life, taking risks with people until they prove themselves otherwise is part of the human experience

The only exception is for those who have stolen or engaged in deceptive conduct – retribution should come in the form of legal or criminal repercussions. But what ever you do… don’t wish karma on anybody, because you’ll never know what you could be unleashing.

It’s like the conversation has ended and there’s not much hope for you – it’s out of their hands and depends on your own odds.

You feel like saying ‘what? no! don’t talk about luck, there must be a logical medical solution to this, aren’t you people trained in this stuff – you’ve got machines and things’

the odds are certainly stacked against you

But when you have brain tumor you fall into a category where the odds are certainly stacked against you.

It’s a numbers game: Percentage risk of your tumor being malignant, risk of dying during surgery, risk of complications, and risk of reoccurrence.

And so wishing luck is offered regularly because the risk factors are well and truly understood by the surgeons and medical teams treating you.

There has been a swathe of others come before you, who have played out this statistical dice game. Some win some don’t.

It’s a doctors way of saying things don’t look good for you right now, but you never know your luck in big city.

But unless you’re an uncannily lucky gambler, luck is nothing to hold onto.

When other people are told you have a brain tumour, no matter how hard they try and mask their reaction, you can see on their faces or hear in their voice “Jesus – you’re rooted then!” At best they muster a well meaning politically correct statement of reassurance – but it only reaffirms how hopeless your situation is.

Yet there is one little thing that makes a significant difference when you are facing the prospect of life or death with risky surgery.

difficult for a hard cold darwinian atheist to confess too

And It’s difficult for a hard cold darwinian atheist to confess too – prayer

Yes, there’s nothing more comforting and empowering when someone tells you they are praying for you. Oh my god it feels good, because you are given spiritual hope, and then apologetically grasp at the existence of a benevolent supreme being.

And I can tell you those gifted prayers are savoured dearly when you need them most, I’ve remained eternally grateful and will never forget the positive impact on my outlook.

See we humans are spiritual beings, and for millennia have used spirituality to cope with unexplained phenomena or adversity. It’s wired in our DNA.

The irony is I was raised in a catholic household and around my early teens swore an oath to the dark side – evolutionism.

But now I’ve come to greatly admire and respect people of faith; they have a very powerful force at their disposal.

Would you believe I was a ‘alter boy’ when I was a kid, but was never molested by a priest or cardinal for that matter… perhaps I was just lucky.